True Story - Yesterday

so i'm just checking in to say HI - i feel like i haven't done that in awhile! - i use to give you some "life updates" and well yesterday was a good day to talk about - and it's time to get real and catch you up a bit - i mean this blog is more then just 'fashion' and 'decor' - it's about MY real life too!

 so yesterday here in Jersey it was beyond gorgeous out - luckily i wasn't cooped up in my windowless office building, but on the other hand i was driving all around to different doctor appointments - the type of appointments where you kinda' break down and cry before you enter the office so you can keep your sh*t together while you're there - and these appointments end like all the others, they check you out, tell you to get your regular tests done - prick and poke ya and hand you with scripts for even more tests - then wait 2 weeks for results - all praying the "C" word doesn't get mentioned - ya know 'cccccc-cancer'

 i already know a phone call will come any day now with 'we need to dig a little deeper b/c something showed up on the MRI' - it's just a matter of WHEN that call will come (last time they actually sent me a letter, oh i lost it, how do you send a letter, that's a phone call people - PHONE CALL!) - as use to it as i am, and everything has always come back totally fine, it's still scary b/c it's only a matter of "when" the "C" word will be a reality - i don't think you ever really get immune to it all - at least i haven't - and every few months when i go through my rotation of tests i prep myself for the 'C' word JUST in case - i don't want no blindside happening!

back to the weather - crazy as it sounds but i think i got someone upstairs looking out for me - high five Universe - in between trips to this test and that doctor appointment i would be driving with my windows down, beats pumping, and hand out the window (ya know when you make the wave motion with your hand to feel the wind?) - and out of my sunroof comes a gift certificate on my lap - OK, so it ended up being expired, but that was a kick ass thing to come out of the sky onto one's lap, no?! - and then later what do you know, no joke, a Christmas card! - yes a Christmas card somehow ended on my lap from the sky - and yup i started to ball and laugh at the same time - how does one NOT cry and laugh after that?! - it was an emotional day to being with?! - i admit, i was totally touched and felt some sort of force looking out for me! - it was a surreal feeling

so i had a rough day of doctor visits (which started off by me almost crashing my car b/c an albino spider came waltzing along my steering wheel) - yet beautiful weather - and then 2 pretty awesome things just fly into my car onto my lap! - that's some serious good karma coming back at me, right?! (minus the spider - i dunno where he fits into all of this - other then it was part of my day)

so back to my day - as i'm sitting in one of my Dr's waiting rooms i meet a couple and they both tell me how i'm "so upbeat" and it "seems like nothing gets you down" yadda yadda (but good yadda yadda's) - which brings me to the Dove forensic artist thing that went viral the last few days - (ya know: how we see ourselves vs how a close friend sees you) - i wouldn't describe myself as someone "who doesn't lose her sh*t" or is "a solid calm force" - but yet i'm told this all the time - is it true? - am i really a calm cool collected person who doesn't lose her sh*t? - i say NO - i mean i was just crying and anxiety ridden 2 hours before hand getting my breast MRI - i just happen to do the crying part when no one can see me (again prepping myself for that damn C word - that C word ain't blindsiding this b*tch - game one!)

and lets be real - i do NOT have cancer - i am BRCA positive but i do NOT have cancer - which gives me zero right to soak up pity from people in a waiting room while there are people fighting for their lives! - and i don't want anyone's pity anyway - i've been through some really rough times in my life, i never wanted pity, i fought through every battle and came out a winner - might have been bruised and scared up, but i'm here and i'm a fighter - keeping it real here, i got A LOT to be thankful for - so what, i gained a lot of weight due to medications - but i'm NOT dying - my clothes don't fit, i don't like my body, and hate taking pictures now - but big frigin' deal -  people are dying around me fighting for their lives - i have no reason other to be upbeat! - it's like 'get over it Erika, you're fat, there's bigger issues here, get over yourself!'

back to my conversation - so as i'm talking to this couple - Hurricane Sandy comes up and we trade stories - and i realize holy crap I AM that person - i was alone that night running up and down my street gathering everything that flew off my house - i kept watch all night to make sure no one went near the live power line wrapped around my crushed car - i mean i HELD DOWN THE FORT hardcore that night - i am a strong badass chick - and yea i do lose my sh*t at times and i mean really lose my sh*t - but overall i take a lot of heat and i have one helluva life to go through and i keep it together - especially at crucial situations i don't crack under pressure - now a few weeks later you might find me curled in the fetal position crying, but at any crucial event in my life i never lost it - I AM that girl - the one i never thought i was - it was a total moment for me!

so all in all - i didn't expect a beautiful day - i didn't expect strangers to make me realize who i really am - i didn't expect 2 gifts from the Universe on my lap - i didn't expect a stop at my favorite juice bar - i didn't expect to end the day feeling at peace - i didn't expect to spend time outdoors - yet i did - yesterday was the day of low expectations that resulted in a natural high


(hope you were able to follow all that)

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  1. that was beautifully written Erika.

    letting us follow your stream of consciousness was honest and i dont want to seem trite but it is a huge relief and to have that fear constantly lingering takes you away from the moment so thank yesterday for tomorrow x

  2. You are STRONG! You are that girl that I think, "How does she do it?!" Love this post, my friend, and I'm grateful you took the time to write it.

  3. Erika, This is wonderful.. and yes, sometimes it takes a stranger to enlighten us. You have gifts that no one else has .. and you are unique and special:) WE ALL have sh** to deal with. Life is all about how we perceive things. You are sincere, grateful, thankful, and beautiful on the inside and out :)


  4. Awesome update, darling!
    Love the hand out the window/wind thing ;)
    Happy weekend!


  5. You are stronger than you think. Keep the windows open and let the universe give you a few more great gifts!

    Chic 'n Cheap Living

  6. What an eloquently written post! You are SO strong!!!!

  7. Low expectations that deliver an abundance of great things is my kind of day. :)

  8. It's amazing how sometimes days wind up being wonderful! That's pretty wacky about the christmas card!! =P

  9. Oh Erika!! I didn't realize you were going through all this! I'm so impressed with your strength and your positive attitude. You are one powerful force and open to all the beautiful things that can and do happen...not everyone notices them. What amazing seems you are being watched over for sure :)

  10. I love this post- stay positive and strong and thankful!

  11. Beautifullu written, even though I can sense your emotions, of course, who can't? I totally know what you mean by waiting for results, it is tough, among the worst days, but I know you will be ok! xo Caroline

  12. What an awesome outlook on life. Emotions are funny things. The stuff flying in your lap is crazy cool! Hope everything checks out with the test. I know what the waiting feels like.

  13. YOU ARE THAT GIRL!!! I loved this post. I'm sorry that you have to worry about cancer. It is a scary disease. I hope your Mom is doing better. I have a smile from ear to ear just thinking about stuff floating in from your sunroof! So cool. The universe was telling you that you are awesome! xo

  14. you are so a strong badass chick :) And it really sounds like someone out there in the universe has your back and is sending you signals... like the stuff flying into your car... that's crazy! Definitely the work of an angel or something


  15. Erika,
    I've always admired your strength and yes, you are truly upbeat amidst all the sh*t you've had to deal with. I love this post. It shows you're human and vulnerable. Beautifully written too. You know I'm here for you! Love lots. Stacey


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