True Story - 1 in a Million



“Maybe I’m supposed to have a lot of sad gray days so I can really appreciate the bright happy ones to come?"

above: My thoughts of the events that have lead up to this post

*brace yourself - it's not pretty below - strong language*

I have a zillion questions swirling in my mind – my heart is in pieces and feels the heaviest it has ever felt – doubts are bombarding me at supersonic speeds – how much can 1 person take in a lifetime? – how much stronger can 1 person get? – how many more battles do I need to fight? – and it’s only the f*cking beginning!  - am I not cracked up for all this – cuz f*ck man I’m losing it - I’m not a bad ass motherf*cker who can do it all – there I said it – I can’t take 1 more piece of bad news that I can’t do anything about – that’s the worst part – there’s not 1 single thing that I could of done differently or I could change now to make anything different – it was just the cards that were dealt – 1 in a million, ya know that saying? – well you just met a 1 in a million right here – and NO it’s not fun being 1 in a million – it f*cking sucks – it sucks so bad that I screamed at the top of my lungs with my middle finger so high and strong – F*CK YOU – WHAT THE F*CK ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME – WHAT THE F*CK DID I DO TO DESERVE ALL THIS BULLSH*T – F*CKKKKKKKKKKKK – yea I’m mad – I’m pissed the f*ck off – I’m hurt – no I’m really f*cking hurting – I’m angry as hell and I wish I could take my anger out on someone but it’s no one’s fault – you know how hard it is to go through all this sh*t and you can’t even blame someone or be pissed the f*ck off b/c of something – it’s just “1 in a million” – why couldn't I win the lottery and let that be my “1 in a million” – my soul is at it whit’s end – it’s that deep – my eyes have literally ran out of tears – my body can’t even shake anymore b/c it is so tired – I’ve come to a place of numbness – of course I’ll never give up and I’ll fight this one too – but god damn man give me a f*cking break – I’m over this – I’m over one snowball after another, sh*t I wish it was a snowball I keep getting avalanched – and if I hear 1 more time "you're only given what you can handle” – F*CK YOU – you step into my shoes and go through everything I have went through, all the battles I fought to be here today, all the pain I had to endure, and then for the first time in my life I thought I would have the most amazing year – I get THIS news – don’t tell me I was meant to get this information – don’t tell me I can get through it like I always have – f*ck you f*ck you f*ck you – you feel the heart wrenching pain in my body and soul and you tell me if you were meant to feel that way – then come back to me – and not in a million years would I EVER think this would be an issue – I mean of everything I’ve gone through and all the possibilities – this was the 1 thing I was really confident about – and NOPE – “1 in a million” – WHY – WHY WHY WHY – f*ck man – seriously now what – I have no idea what the Universe is trying to tell me – I really don’t – and yea I cursed God, I cured the Universe, I cursed everyone and anything I possibly could – but where’s that gonna get me – I’m over that – oh I’m still mad – I’m still hurt – I’m still asking why – but I guess you can say i’m handling it – and once again – it COULD be worse – I mean literally things could be worse – everything can always be worse – but hot damn I’m gonna let it be known I’m DONE with the “1 in a million” bullsh*t that I get, that is totally out of my control – I’m DONE DONE DONE

Ok I spoke my peace
DONE.


__________________


PS - i wrote this the day after i got the call from my Dr last week - i'm not "angry" anymore - but my soul is still sad but i'm in a much better space - i still think of all the worst case scenarios but know miracles happen every single day - my Mom and dear friend (of course the Beau and my Dad too) have been my rocks - the post is vague b/c i'm not ready to 'spill the beans' on everything (only my Mom, Dad and Beau know what's going on) - i still have more tests to go through - i thought being fat and BRCA positive was hard (fat = b/c i'm super self conscious and i'm 100% depressed/anxiety ridden over it) - this one took me by absolute surprise which took the cake - i had to let it out - to let it free - to be honest



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20 comments:

  1. Oh dear...I'm sorry. I hope through all of this your mom, your dad, and your beau are there for that hug and that shoulder! I hope your okay and honestly punching throw pillows or just punching a bean bag will help. You have to get angry because if you don't it will just eat you up. Again, I'm sorry Erika and I hope your okay!

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  2. I'm sorry for whatever the beans are. I am so glad you have your support system, though I know that only softens the effect and not necessarily the blow.

    Get angry and get it out. Your post was intense. Thanks for your honesty.

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  3. I'm so sorry for whatever is going on right now. So so sorry. Saying lots of prayers for you. Hope you feel them!

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  4. Based on what you wrote, I doubt I can offer any words of encouragement that you haven't already heard. I can't say I've been there, because I haven't. Get it out and do whatever you need to do to deal with the situation at hand. Wishing the best for you. - Tonya

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  5. I'm sorry you are going through this tough time...I just send you positive vibes and hope things go the way you desire...x

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  6. The world definitely is cruel sometimes. I'm going to drop you a note. *hugs*

    xoxo,
    Chic 'n Cheap Living

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  7. I don't know what to say that can possibly comfort you. Just know that I am only an email away.

    Sending you loads of hugs and love! xx

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  8. Erika,

    Hun, you have endured so much. It's good to let it all out. Anger is healthy. I have had these moments too. Lots and lots of them. I'm not gonna sugar-coat anything. Whatever it is it friggin' sucks and I'm sorry you have to suffer through it.

    I hope to see you when you are in MA and we can raise our glasses and toast to the fact that we are still breathing!!! Email me the dates so I can mark it off on my calendar.

    Love you!! Email or call if you want to talk. xoxo

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  9. I'm sorry for the bad news and what's happening to you. I will keep you in my prayers and hope things turn around for you real soon! Best wishes!!!

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  10. I can totally relate, darling.
    I have used many of the same words and phrases lately, as I am going through a rough breakup :(
    Let's both stay strong!

    xoxox,
    CC

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  11. Yikes. Obviously the tenor of your venting means that the beans are serious. Nothing I can say will offer comfort but know that I am thinking of you.

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  12. I wish I could say something for you to feel better and you can do it and you can be brave.. even if it's hard.
    Now go treat yourself to a delicious milkshake and frenchfries- that always make me feel a teeny tiny bit better in grays days.

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  13. I'm so worried about you right now Erika. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me - support is one of the things that helps us overcome even the greatest obstacles.

    Good vibes coming your way.

    x

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  14. I'm so sorry. All I can say is my thoughts are with you. I know things can always be worse, but your feelings are valid and you're allowed to have them. I got some bad news from the doctor this year and I was feeling really sorry for myself because it's the forever kind of news and then I felt guilty for feeling that way. But why? Why should we feel guilty? We have the right to vent over being in pain! Hugs to you lady!

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  15. Sorry to hear bad news Erika. I'm a big hug person, so sending a huge one your way. xx

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  16. Erika.. I'm glad you are sharing this. Expressing sadness, disappointment and anger is okay and we are here for you. I don't understand why 1 person gets hit by .. Lightening. It's crazy and I feel so sad that you gave so much on your plate. Sounds like your family is close to you.. Thank goodness for that. Sending light and hope your way.

    xxL

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  17. Sending you a hug
    And a punching bag. Get it out

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  18. Oh Erika, I know by the time you read this you are not mad anymore. I am so sorry for whatever it is that is hurting you. I have been fighting with health issues I don't blog about. From the sound of it, you have your plate so full. I believe in you. As I say my usual prayer to one of the Saints....I'll say one for you, too. I'm Jewish, by the way. Figure it can't hurt.

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