“Maybe I’m supposed to have a lot of sad gray days so I can really appreciate the bright happy ones to come?"
above: My thoughts of the events that have lead up to this post
*brace yourself - it's not pretty below - strong language*
I have a zillion questions swirling in my mind – my heart is in pieces and feels the heaviest it has ever felt – doubts are bombarding me at supersonic speeds – how much can 1 person take in a lifetime? – how much stronger can 1 person get? – how many more battles do I need to fight? – and it’s only the f*cking beginning! - am I not cracked up for all this – cuz f*ck man I’m losing it - I’m not a bad ass motherf*cker who can do it all – there I said it – I can’t take 1 more piece of bad news that I can’t do anything about – that’s the worst part – there’s not 1 single thing that I could of done differently or I could change now to make anything different – it was just the cards that were dealt – 1 in a million, ya know that saying? – well you just met a 1 in a million right here – and NO it’s not fun being 1 in a million – it f*cking sucks – it sucks so bad that I screamed at the top of my lungs with my middle finger so high and strong – F*CK YOU – WHAT THE F*CK ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME – WHAT THE F*CK DID I DO TO DESERVE ALL THIS BULLSH*T – F*CKKKKKKKKKKKK – yea I’m mad – I’m pissed the f*ck off – I’m hurt – no I’m really f*cking hurting – I’m angry as hell and I wish I could take my anger out on someone but it’s no one’s fault – you know how hard it is to go through all this sh*t and you can’t even blame someone or be pissed the f*ck off b/c of something – it’s just “1 in a million” – why couldn't I win the lottery and let that be my “1 in a million” – my soul is at it whit’s end – it’s that deep – my eyes have literally ran out of tears – my body can’t even shake anymore b/c it is so tired – I’ve come to a place of numbness – of course I’ll never give up and I’ll fight this one too – but god damn man give me a f*cking break – I’m over this – I’m over one snowball after another, sh*t I wish it was a snowball I keep getting avalanched – and if I hear 1 more time "you're only given what you can handle” – F*CK YOU – you step into my shoes and go through everything I have went through, all the battles I fought to be here today, all the pain I had to endure, and then for the first time in my life I thought I would have the most amazing year – I get THIS news – don’t tell me I was meant to get this information – don’t tell me I can get through it like I always have – f*ck you f*ck you f*ck you – you feel the heart wrenching pain in my body and soul and you tell me if you were meant to feel that way – then come back to me – and not in a million years would I EVER think this would be an issue – I mean of everything I’ve gone through and all the possibilities – this was the 1 thing I was really confident about – and NOPE – “1 in a million” – WHY – WHY WHY WHY – f*ck man – seriously now what – I have no idea what the Universe is trying to tell me – I really don’t – and yea I cursed God, I cured the Universe, I cursed everyone and anything I possibly could – but where’s that gonna get me – I’m over that – oh I’m still mad – I’m still hurt – I’m still asking why – but I guess you can say i’m handling it – and once again – it COULD be worse – I mean literally things could be worse – everything can always be worse – but hot damn I’m gonna let it be known I’m DONE with the “1 in a million” bullsh*t that I get, that is totally out of my control – I’m DONE DONE DONE
Ok I spoke my peace
PS - i wrote this the day after i got the call from my Dr last week - i'm not "angry" anymore - but my soul is still sad but i'm in a much better space - i still think of all the worst case scenarios but know miracles happen every single day - my Mom and dear friend (of course the Beau and my Dad too) have been my rocks - the post is vague b/c i'm not ready to 'spill the beans' on everything (only my Mom, Dad and Beau know what's going on) - i still have more tests to go through - i thought being fat and BRCA positive was hard (fat = b/c i'm super self conscious and i'm 100% depressed/anxiety ridden over it) - this one took me by absolute surprise which took the cake - i had to let it out - to let it free - to be honest