True Story - 1 in a Million

“Maybe I’m supposed to have a lot of sad gray days so I can really appreciate the bright happy ones to come?"

above: My thoughts of the events that have lead up to this post

*brace yourself - it's not pretty below - strong language*

I have a zillion questions swirling in my mind – my heart is in pieces and feels the heaviest it has ever felt – doubts are bombarding me at supersonic speeds – how much can 1 person take in a lifetime? – how much stronger can 1 person get? – how many more battles do I need to fight? – and it’s only the f*cking beginning!  - am I not cracked up for all this – cuz f*ck man I’m losing it - I’m not a bad ass motherf*cker who can do it all – there I said it – I can’t take 1 more piece of bad news that I can’t do anything about – that’s the worst part – there’s not 1 single thing that I could of done differently or I could change now to make anything different – it was just the cards that were dealt – 1 in a million, ya know that saying? – well you just met a 1 in a million right here – and NO it’s not fun being 1 in a million – it f*cking sucks – it sucks so bad that I screamed at the top of my lungs with my middle finger so high and strong – F*CK YOU – WHAT THE F*CK ELSE DO YOU WANT FROM ME – WHAT THE F*CK DID I DO TO DESERVE ALL THIS BULLSH*T – F*CKKKKKKKKKKKK – yea I’m mad – I’m pissed the f*ck off – I’m hurt – no I’m really f*cking hurting – I’m angry as hell and I wish I could take my anger out on someone but it’s no one’s fault – you know how hard it is to go through all this sh*t and you can’t even blame someone or be pissed the f*ck off b/c of something – it’s just “1 in a million” – why couldn't I win the lottery and let that be my “1 in a million” – my soul is at it whit’s end – it’s that deep – my eyes have literally ran out of tears – my body can’t even shake anymore b/c it is so tired – I’ve come to a place of numbness – of course I’ll never give up and I’ll fight this one too – but god damn man give me a f*cking break – I’m over this – I’m over one snowball after another, sh*t I wish it was a snowball I keep getting avalanched – and if I hear 1 more time "you're only given what you can handle” – F*CK YOU – you step into my shoes and go through everything I have went through, all the battles I fought to be here today, all the pain I had to endure, and then for the first time in my life I thought I would have the most amazing year – I get THIS news – don’t tell me I was meant to get this information – don’t tell me I can get through it like I always have – f*ck you f*ck you f*ck you – you feel the heart wrenching pain in my body and soul and you tell me if you were meant to feel that way – then come back to me – and not in a million years would I EVER think this would be an issue – I mean of everything I’ve gone through and all the possibilities – this was the 1 thing I was really confident about – and NOPE – “1 in a million” – WHY – WHY WHY WHY – f*ck man – seriously now what – I have no idea what the Universe is trying to tell me – I really don’t – and yea I cursed God, I cured the Universe, I cursed everyone and anything I possibly could – but where’s that gonna get me – I’m over that – oh I’m still mad – I’m still hurt – I’m still asking why – but I guess you can say i’m handling it – and once again – it COULD be worse – I mean literally things could be worse – everything can always be worse – but hot damn I’m gonna let it be known I’m DONE with the “1 in a million” bullsh*t that I get, that is totally out of my control – I’m DONE DONE DONE

Ok I spoke my peace


PS - i wrote this the day after i got the call from my Dr last week - i'm not "angry" anymore - but my soul is still sad but i'm in a much better space - i still think of all the worst case scenarios but know miracles happen every single day - my Mom and dear friend (of course the Beau and my Dad too) have been my rocks - the post is vague b/c i'm not ready to 'spill the beans' on everything (only my Mom, Dad and Beau know what's going on) - i still have more tests to go through - i thought being fat and BRCA positive was hard (fat = b/c i'm super self conscious and i'm 100% depressed/anxiety ridden over it) - this one took me by absolute surprise which took the cake - i had to let it out - to let it free - to be honest

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  1. Oh dear...I'm sorry. I hope through all of this your mom, your dad, and your beau are there for that hug and that shoulder! I hope your okay and honestly punching throw pillows or just punching a bean bag will help. You have to get angry because if you don't it will just eat you up. Again, I'm sorry Erika and I hope your okay!

  2. I'm sorry for whatever the beans are. I am so glad you have your support system, though I know that only softens the effect and not necessarily the blow.

    Get angry and get it out. Your post was intense. Thanks for your honesty.

  3. I'm so sorry for whatever is going on right now. So so sorry. Saying lots of prayers for you. Hope you feel them!

  4. Based on what you wrote, I doubt I can offer any words of encouragement that you haven't already heard. I can't say I've been there, because I haven't. Get it out and do whatever you need to do to deal with the situation at hand. Wishing the best for you. - Tonya

  5. I'm sorry you are going through this tough time...I just send you positive vibes and hope things go the way you desire...x

  6. The world definitely is cruel sometimes. I'm going to drop you a note. *hugs*

    Chic 'n Cheap Living

  7. I don't know what to say that can possibly comfort you. Just know that I am only an email away.

    Sending you loads of hugs and love! xx

  8. Erika,

    Hun, you have endured so much. It's good to let it all out. Anger is healthy. I have had these moments too. Lots and lots of them. I'm not gonna sugar-coat anything. Whatever it is it friggin' sucks and I'm sorry you have to suffer through it.

    I hope to see you when you are in MA and we can raise our glasses and toast to the fact that we are still breathing!!! Email me the dates so I can mark it off on my calendar.

    Love you!! Email or call if you want to talk. xoxo

  9. I'm sorry for the bad news and what's happening to you. I will keep you in my prayers and hope things turn around for you real soon! Best wishes!!!

  10. I can totally relate, darling.
    I have used many of the same words and phrases lately, as I am going through a rough breakup :(
    Let's both stay strong!


  11. Yikes. Obviously the tenor of your venting means that the beans are serious. Nothing I can say will offer comfort but know that I am thinking of you.

  12. I wish I could say something for you to feel better and you can do it and you can be brave.. even if it's hard.
    Now go treat yourself to a delicious milkshake and frenchfries- that always make me feel a teeny tiny bit better in grays days.

  13. I'm so worried about you right now Erika. If you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to message me - support is one of the things that helps us overcome even the greatest obstacles.

    Good vibes coming your way.


  14. I'm so sorry. All I can say is my thoughts are with you. I know things can always be worse, but your feelings are valid and you're allowed to have them. I got some bad news from the doctor this year and I was feeling really sorry for myself because it's the forever kind of news and then I felt guilty for feeling that way. But why? Why should we feel guilty? We have the right to vent over being in pain! Hugs to you lady!

  15. Sorry to hear bad news Erika. I'm a big hug person, so sending a huge one your way. xx

  16. Erika.. I'm glad you are sharing this. Expressing sadness, disappointment and anger is okay and we are here for you. I don't understand why 1 person gets hit by .. Lightening. It's crazy and I feel so sad that you gave so much on your plate. Sounds like your family is close to you.. Thank goodness for that. Sending light and hope your way.


  17. Sending you a hug
    And a punching bag. Get it out

  18. Oh Erika, I know by the time you read this you are not mad anymore. I am so sorry for whatever it is that is hurting you. I have been fighting with health issues I don't blog about. From the sound of it, you have your plate so full. I believe in you. As I say my usual prayer to one of the Saints....I'll say one for you, too. I'm Jewish, by the way. Figure it can't hurt.


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